MIAMI BEACH, Fl. – The ghost of Adolf Hitler appeared on the Florida coastline Saturday morning, presumably summoned by dark energy emanating from Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.
“I do have some complaints about modern society,” said Hitler, materializing his incorporeal form. “But I’m quite impressed by the United States.” Hitler praised the nation’s expansive security apparatus, disdain for intellectuals, and militaristic nationalism. “I’m here to congratulate Ron. He’s been doing a great job with these book bans recently. I’m a huge fan.” He paused, thinking, then smiled. “Do you know what he did at Guantanamo Bay? You should look it up.”
The USPP Media Committee asked Ghost Hitler about Congress. “On the federal level? Things are going great… I am especially fond of this new RESTRICT Act.” Hitler phased in and out of the sand on the beach. “It’s genius. Using the threat of China as a ploy to control the media? It’s something I would do… With the RESTRICT Act, the government can control what happens to all communications firms if they claim a rival nation is involved.” He began to hover two feet from the ground, kicking his legs in the air like an excited schoolgirl. “If this bill passes, the federal government would have complete control over what you see from overseas. Here’s the best part – if you access illegal information, you can be fined up to a million dollars or thrown in jail for up to twenty years. Using TikTok would make you a wanted felon. It’s an excellent step forward to Fascism.”
“How close are we to Fascism?”, asked Nei Eve – an esteemed member of the Media Committee. “You are very close. There are plenty of politicians I absolutely adore, though they do not seem to like me very much.” He reminisced on Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene getting the Gestapo confused with Gazpacho, a form of Spanish soup. “They may say that National Conservatism is different from National Socialism. I disagree. They will get it soon enough. The wonder of Fascism is that it adapts and evolves to infiltrate every country differently. American Fascism is coming wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross. I think that’s beautiful.”
The spirit asked if there were any further questions he could answer before astral projecting to the Governor’s home. When asked about the Pirate Party, Hitler responded as follows: “I hate the Pirate Party. The Pirate Party is the antithesis to all I had worked to achieve.” Hitler claimed that the Pirate movement’s success in Europe was “disheartening” to him, and that “with every new initiative undertaken by the European Pirate Party, I can feel my power leaving the continent.”
Hitler is to return to Hell at Midnight tonight. For any inquiries regarding meetups, please visit your local DMV.
Happy April Fools! Hitler is not in Florida, but the RESTRICT Act is currently gaining bipartisan support in Congress, including support from the President. Tell your Senators and Representatives to vote NO. Use this link to find them: congress.gov/members.
The United States Pirate Party is serious about protecting your First and Fourth Amendment rights, but we need your help to do it. Sign up for support.uspirates.org and visit our Discord server at discord.com/invite/GCYUKvNHMB.
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